


the known and the unknown, among other things

by bestliars



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Colorado Avalanche, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:17:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestliars/pseuds/bestliars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are things Matt knows, and things he absolutely doesn’t know, and some things he’s not sure about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the known and the unknown, among other things

**Author's Note:**

  * For [opusculasedfera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/opusculasedfera/gifts).



> This started because of comments exchanged with Opusculasedfera in...March. I’m a slow writer sometimes. This isn't really the story we were talking about, but I hope you like it?  
> Thanks to Stellarer, who is a total beauty of a beta.  
> This is my first time writing about the Avs. I think I did ok, but apologies if this seems wrong.

Matt knows there’s a lot of things left to a figure out; a lot of things he wishes were better; a lot of things he’s still trying to explain. It isn’t always easy, but he tries.

**+**

First thing first: hockey. It’s all about hockey. Everything is about hockey. Even things that seem separate aren’t, not really. Everything is about hockey, and sometimes that makes life hard.

**+**

Hockey is a team sport, which means Matt’s relationship with hockey is directly tied to his relationships with his teammates. Matt loves his team, he loves playing for the Avs, but sometimes.... Sometimes people are a problem. 

**+**

Like, sometimes Matt just doesn't get Ryan at all. Sometimes they operate on completely different wavelengths. It isn't a problem communicating about hockey, that's a common language, but it does leave their interpersonal dynamics a mess.

The thing about Matt is that more than anything else he wants to play great hockey for the Colorado Avalanche. This is his childhood dream he's living. He understands that not everyone would be so excited about playing for a not-great team at a high altitude. He understands that his enthusiasm is a little bit unreasonable, but just a little bit. What he doesn't get is how unenthused Ryan can be.

It's incomprehensible that Ryan would rather stay in Russia than play for the Avalanche. It's insane that Ryan would rather do nothing, literally nothing, training some with a juniors team, but mostly just sitting there and doing nothing, than sign with the Avalanche.

**+**

One thing that Matt knows about Ryan O'Reilly is that he is not Matt’s ex-boyfriend, not really, because he was never Matt’s boyfriend. They slept together as rookies, but then they realized they were better off as friends. Matt isn’t even sure they can be that much now.

The transition from being people who slept together regularly to people who did not was not an elegant transition. It took time to recalibrate, to relearn where they stood with each other, to be buddies again. Then the contract bullshit had to come around and fuck that all up.

**+**

The thing about having a bridge contract is that it means he's going somewhere. Bridges have destinations, and Matt knows his destination is playing great hockey with the Colorado Avalanche. He's getting there.

**+**

One thing Matt has learned from being a good player on a bad team is that he shouldn’t blame himself; it doesn’t work. He’s also learned that not blaming himself also does not work, not really. If Matt didn't blame himself he wouldn't be as good a player as he is.

The thing about blaming himself for the team being not good is that it doesn't accomplish anything. It only makes things worse, because it makes him miserable, and misery doesn't make for great hockey (most of the time).

**+**

It kind of doesn’t matter what kind of player Matt is. Well, it does matter, but the team collectively is more important than him as an individual. Matt could stop blaming himself and start blaming his teammates, but that wouldn’t help. He knows he needs to be a good teammate, he needs to be part of creating a good atmosphere, then maybe things will start to get better. Or maybe not. But he might might as well try.

**+**

Matt knows that sometimes being a good teammate means not saying things.

Some examples:

"Fuck you, Ryan O'Reilly, just fuck it. You're not as good as you think you are, holding out was a dumb thing to do, it hurt the team, signing that stupid offer sheet was stupid, your contract is bad for the team, you suck. The team doesn't need you and _I_ don't need you."

Matt isn’t saying that, because it’s a mean thing to say, and because he isn’t sure that all of it is true. He is sure that saying those things wouldn’t improve the situation, which is a good enough reason to keep his mouth shut.

Or:

"Gabe, you're my captain, and you're unfairly good looking, do you want to make out?"

But just because Matt manages to not say these things it doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem saying stupid stuff.

Like, "Sidney Crosby is so good at hockey. I would totally blow him just because of that. And he's nice to me. It’s nice." This is a thing that he says, and yeah he isn't sober, but still: embarrassing.

Paul laughs at him and says it's time to switch to water. That is probably a good idea.

So yeah, sometimes Matt says stupid things, sometimes he'll say things he wish he could take back, but he's still very careful. He says things that are embarrassing, that could hurt him, but he doesn't let anything slip that could hurt the team because the team is his number one.

**+**

Matt knows he doesn’t have to do everything on his own. Sometimes he’ll get carried away and forget, but most of the time he manages to keep things in perspective and not just blindly thrash against how much their season is sucking. He is actively not obsessing over the season, because that would hurt him. Not obsessing over the season is good, but it might leave him too much time to obsess over other things, like interpersonal relationships with people he likes, or used to like, or like, whatever. 

The point is, if they won more games he would have less time to worry about whether having a crush on his captain is a terrible idea or just a bad one. He could certainly ask someone for advice, or at least he could if there was someone who he thought would be capable of giving him decent advice.

Sid wouldn't be any help, but there’s something strangely comforting about how unhelpful he would be. Sometimes when Matt has a hockey problem, or even a team problem, he'll call Sid for advice. That this is something he can do—call up the best hockey player in the world right now and ask him questions—is super cool. But this isn't a problem Sid could help with because it's about people, and Sid is bad at people. It makes Matt feel a little bit better, that even though he's pretty lost in handling this situation, he's still doing better than Sid would. Being better at anything than someone that good at hockey makes Matt a little bit happy in a quiet, mean way that he doesn't want to dwell on.

Matt doesn’t know who he would ask for advice about his love life. Maybe Stastny. He’d get made fun of first, but the actual advice might be useful. Or he can just suck it up and figure it out on his own.

Matt knows he can ask for advice, but that doesn’t always mean that he’ll do it.

**+**

Just because he knows that he can ask for advice does not mean that people should ask Matt for advice. Really, he wouldn’t recommend it. For little things, sure, but for big picture life questions? There’s probably a better option.

**+**

 

But sometimes Matt wants to be useful with his words. Sometimes he wants to be the one to say the right thing to make someone feel better.

They’ve been losing more than not, and going out there, night after night, is starting to be a drag. It’s still hockey, NHL hockey, _Avalanche hockey_ , and Matt wouldn’t trade it for anything, but still, it would be nice to win more often. Matt thinks he’s handling their loses fairly well, all things considered. He’s dealing with it, he isn’t letting it rattle him _too_ badly.

He’s a tiny bit worried about Gabe. No, not worried—he’s concerned. This is Gabe’s first season as Captain, and he was concussed, and now he’s back, and he’s trying very hard to make everything work, and very little is working. Matt knows how frustrating that is, he’s frustrated too He’s also a couple of years older, and has a different set of expectations to live up to.

Gabe isn’t acting strangely. He isn’t playing poorly. He just seems tense, coiled, about to spring out and do something, Matt doesn’t know what. Ideally, Gabe would spring out and win them hockey games, but Matt suspects it could go the other way too, with Gabe finally snapping and things getting even worse, which would be very very bad. Matt doesn’t know what to do about it, but he’s keeping an eye on the situation.

He knows he can’t be the only person who noticing their captain’s behavior. Part of being a team is that they look out for each other. They’re trying to stay in sync, and part of that involves observation, as well as communication.

Right now Matt would rather just watch, but he could try to use words?

Ryan corners him after practice one day and says, “Can we still talk about stuff?

Matt really doesn’t know. “I guess we can try?” It probably wouldn’t hurt for them to give it a chance.

“So, Gabe seems...”

Ryan doesn’t finish the sentence. He doesn’t have to.

“Yeah, he does.”

As much as Ryan has driven him crazy, Matt can appreciate that right now they both want more or less the same thing, in that they both want what’s best for the team, for as long as it’s contractually a team that they share. And right now wanting what’s best for the team means worrying about Gabe.

“You should maybe talk to him,” Ryan says.

That might be true, but Matt doesn’t want to. Someone should certainly talk to Gabe; It isn’t his responsibility. “Why me?” he asks.

“Well, I could try, but I don’t know how well that would go over. Things are already a little...yeah.”

Matt resists saying, _and whose fault is that?_ because now is not the time to remind Ryan that he fucked that relationship up all on his own.

“So, um, I probably shouldn't be the one to say anything,” Ryan says.

“But you do think something should be said.”

“Yes, I do.” Ryan sounds confident about this, but he sounds confident a lot of the time, and Matt’s learned to not always trust this.

“And what makes you think I should be the one to say something?” He asks.

“Because you _care,_ Matty.”

Damnit.

That’s true. He cares oh so fucking much, even though he doesn’t always want to.

“I guess I can try, but I don’t really know what I’m doing, so...we’ll see.”

**+**

Matt knows a lot of things, but he isn’t sure it’s enough to qualify him to give advice, but well, there’s no one else right now. They lost again, and now they have time to kill in a strange American city. A bunch of guys are going out to drink, and Matt’s old enough to join them, but Gabe isn’t. Now’s as good a time as any. Now is also as bad a time as any. Matt really doesn’t know what he’s doing—well, he knows he’s trying to make things better.

He stops Gabe in the hallway, and says that they should hang out for a while. Gabe agrees, and they wind up in Matt’s room, both sitting cross legged on the bed.

“So, let’s talk?” Matt says. That wasn’t supposed to sound like a question. “Do you want something to drink?” Matt asks. “There’s water, or we could get something, or...”

“I’m fine. Is there something specific you want to talk about?” Gabe asks, wearing his serious captain face.

“Oh, just, stuff, you know.” This is incredibly awkward. If this conversation stays as bad as it begins it will give Matt another reason to hate Ryan, which isn’t something he needs.

“Did someone put you up to this?” Gabe asks. He frowns a little.

Matt’s shoulders sag. He really doesn’t know what he’s doing. “Yeah, kind of. There was some encouragement, but I was worried about you.”

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Gabe says.

“Yeah, I know that, I know it isn’t the smartest move, but I worry about, like, _all of this_ , and you’re part of everything, so you get worried over just like everything else.”

“That really isn’t necessary.”

“I _know that,_ I know worrying at all is stupid, but I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Well, we’ll just have to fix it so there’s nothing to worry about,” Gabe says. He sounds so determined, confident that they can make things better, and Matt really wants to believe him.

“Well, ideally. That would be good, but it’s kind of a lot to take on.”

Matt meets Gabe's big blue eyes full on and struggles not to blink.

"Look, here's the thing you have to know: We can't fix everything,” Matt says. “Sometimes things just suck—most of the time lately, but whatever, it doesn't matter—we can't fix it."

"I know that," Gabe says.

"I don't think you do," Matt says, still not blinking.

Gabe looks away.

"Things sucking isn't on you or me, not really, not _exclusively_. We're a bit responsible for sure, but we're trying." They're trying very hard. Matt doesn't know if they could try any harder. "The thing is, that we're not the whole world."

 _"I know that,"_ Gabe says. This time Matt does believe him.

"Great," Matt says. "Now I need your help with something." He says this like it's serious because he knows that will make Gabe listen. "Since we can't fix everything that sucks, there's something else we can work on instead, ok?"

Gabe nods.

This has been Matt’s plan for a while. He hasn’t shared it with anyone before, but bringing Gabe in on it just seems _right._

"Great. So here's the plan: We're going to not be miserable. We're not going to beat ourselves up. We're going to be as close to happy as possible.” Gabe’s nodding along, agreeing, like he thinks this could work.

It’s a good plan, a good temporary solution.

Matt doesn’t have to do anything else. He’s been of service, as a friend, and a teammate. He has done what he needed to do improve the situation. He doesn’t have to do anything more.

He thinks he wants to, but he doesn’t know if it will work. He has an idea that might make things even better, very much more better, if it works. If it doesn’t work, it might be a mild disaster. But they’re already living through a catastrophe, so maybe he might as well try.

“We should do everything we can to not be miserable, and that means trying to win hockey games, but it means other things too,” Matt says. “Anything that makes us less miserable is a good.” He just has to try now. He knows he isn’t suave, he just has to go for it. “And to that end, I'm going to kiss you, if you're ok with that, if it would make you happy."

Gabe's quiet for a moment, translating or considering, Matt doesn't know, and tries not to worry. A pause can just be a pause, not a refusal.

"Yeah," Gabe says. "I'm ok with that."

“Ok. Great. That’s awesome.”

That’s so awesome. Matt hardly knows how awesome it is.

Then before Matt can get over how awesome it is, Gabe is moving towards him, and then their mouths meet. It isn’t careful, it isn’t even _nice_ , starting out with too much momentum and teeth, but it’s a start. Matt’s less miserable than he had been the minute before. The kiss deepens, they get comfortable in it, and Matt is even less miserable.

He knows this was the right thing to do, because it’s making their lives suck less. He knows it was a good move, because Gabe is solid muscle pressing him back on the bed. He doesn’t know how he worked up the nerve to ask for this, but he’s grateful that he did. This kiss is the start of _better,_ and he knows it is only the beginning.


End file.
